postmortem blues

Where have all my aspirations gone?

Have they flown away just like the birds in the sky?

Have they been washed away by the pouring rain?

Have they ran away along with all the principles and beliefs I held on to when I was young and naive?

As I sit here and type away on my keyboard I can't help but realize how different I was a year ago...

A year ago I wouldn't have settled for anything just because I have no other choice. I would have made my own option.

A year ago I would have stopped in my tracks and dropped the remaining coins from my purse into the eager hands of the Lola at the side of the street instead of closing my eyes and wishing she wasn't there.

A year ago I would have fought for what I deem was right instead of shrinking in my seat, lips tightly sealed because of lack of confidence.

A year ago I could only dream of watching medical procedures on Grey's Anatomy instead of dreaming of being able to watch it first hand.

A year ago I had been talking to Erndy about our dreams of becoming linguists. Now I have been having conversations about the different sexually transmitted diseases you can get by not having safe sex or the meaning of fellatio and cunnilingus

A year ago I loved English with such a passion that I didn't care if my Physics grade was below average. Now I just don't care.

A year ago I devotedly joined prayer meetings and recollections. Now I sometimes have reluctance in going to Perpetual Masses.

A year ago I wouldn't have cared what others thought of me or if I have pleased anyone. I might have worries then if I get anyone pissed but that's it. No pleasing, no seeming.

Now I wonder if I can have all of those back because quite honestly, I miss that person with all those principles and dreams.

Where have that person gone? She died. And along with her death is the loss of my sense of identity.

I guess that's how I lost my mojo.