Beads of sweat were threatening to fall from my forehead as my lucky (that was crap, entirely crap) pen, which was paused in midair at loss of anything to write at the blank sheet of paper staring in front of me, was held tightly by my dominating hand making my knuckles appear sickly white. This physical facade was nothing compared to the battle in progress inside my system. Butterflies of all kinds were dueling their way out while I tried my hardest not to burst into tears at the soon anticipated end of my academe years.
As I contemplated my next move, a glimpse of the paper nestled on the desk next to mine caught my attention and somehow the clean filled out sheet brought out buried insecurities within me.
Yes, before all the greed for instant answers there is that self pity that goes way beyond the person's inability to think and come up for the answers. You see, all the childhood fears and self doubts begin rushing out and somehow lowers a person's self esteem. All of this because of a person's impotence to answer the damn test questions.
When the panic starts forming in my gut, I decided to ask for the unknown answers from my (apparently) genius seat mate. During these times, whenever answers are given, there seems to be an unwritten deal between the giver and asker. You (as the asker) have to lend a hand if a help is needed by the other (the giver). It's an obligation you have to fulfill since the giver “helped” you out, you have to do the exact same thing. You OWE him that. But this is actually pretty okay since a deuce takes place and you would not have to feel guilty anymore. You do not have any debt to pay the "genius one". You're even. :)
The mere asking for the answer is actually a pretty hard task, not only because getting caught by the teacher is inevitable but also because you are also proving to others, as well as to yourself, that you, indeed, do not know the answer and pretty much do not know anything. This is again another question of lowering your self esteem. Talk about deflating a person's ego.
So, as you can see, cheating is not what it all cut out to be. All bad things have a background history so you better see all sides of the story before lashing that sharp tongue of yours.
I know, I know, just study so that you won't have this problem in the first place, right? Well, dearie, this brings out another set of insecurities you know. How would you admit to yourself that you are actually really as stupid as you think you are? So, the not studying thing? It's just a defense mechanism so that you will not have to admit the fact that you are really an idiot. Cheaters have a lot of issues, don't they?
So please spare people the emotional turmoil of self doubt and just lower your arm, make your handwriting larger and more eligible, tip your paper a little on the left. Yes, that's it. After all, you don't want to live forever with the guilt that you're the cause of your friend's breakdown, do you?
